Time For A Change

Starting off 2017 with what may seem like a depressing post, but the start of a new year always ignites my biggest fear more than ever. Most people have a huge fear of something like spiders or heights. I get scared around needles and big spaces, even deep water but ever since I lost my Grandad in 2014, I've had an overwhelming fear of death and not just my own. This only got worse when my second Grandad passed away in February last year and the fact I pass a funeral directors every morning on the way to work makes it impossible for me to avoid. 

I'm scared of dying.
I'm scared of the way I will die, when, how long it'll take, will I be alone, will I have any family left? I'm terrified. Cancer terrifies me. Its everywhere; advertised, people constantly advising what to avoid and what not to do to our bodies. Its exhausting. Its creating unnecessary worries within ourselves that is probably contributing to illness anyway. Its an endless nightmare. 

I'm also scared of losing loved ones, especially my parents and my husband. Buying a house has made this even more of a worry as you have to take out life insurance and discuss things that are so depressing it makes you question the entire purpose of life. James plays rugby, and one day he came home from a match and told me a lad had died on the pitch. He had an underlying condition, but ever since I'm absolutely petrified of him playing. I really do appreciate James being in tip top physical condition - he loves to work out, eat well and look after himself and rugby is in his blood. The amount of times we've argued about it is crazy because the way I feel comes across as not giving a rats ass about one of his biggest passions, but truth is, imagining him being biffed around a pitch and coming home scuffed, bruised and cut up each week really upsets me. 

Then there is getting older. The other week, my sciatic nerve started to absolutely kill and I found myself waddling around and struggling to bend. At 25 this shouldn't be happening but my job involves a lot of bending and picking things up so I'm not surprised its started to take its toll. My anxiety issues are mainly triggered around death, health and oblivion. This year I want to try and tackle this, starting with taking better care of myself, eating better, exercising often and not wishing the days away. They pass by far too quickly and before we know it, its Christmas again and a new year slaps us round the chops demanding resolutions and positivity. 

I always try to keep my blog as upbeat and positive as possible, but sometimes we just have to be real and honest so tonight, I felt like writing about this. I'd like to include more around fitness again in my blog and maybe even share some food style posts. I've also booked a little trip away for the end of March so hopefully, this will help to boot my fear of travelling in the goolies and I hope to make some progress here too. So enough of the doom and gloom, I wish each and everyone of us a very happy 2017 and I look forward to challenging myself for the better. 

Thanks for reading,

Ellis x

1 comment

  1. Hey Ellis, I really admire your honesty here. I think we all have something we fear, but few of us are brave enough to talk about them publicly. I know that is something I am personally working on this year.

    Thank you for sharing. x



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